morgankelsey.com

There's nothing better than new underpants. (Well, a couple of things....maybe).

They looked like my other underpants.
They felt like my other underpants.
They smelt like my other underpants (the other new ones).

But did they act like my other underpants?

Ok, here's how my morning at work went:
"Good morning," I said to my coworkers.
"Clickety-clackety," went my keyboard.
"Slurp slurp," went the coffee.

Then I made my usual mid-morning visit to the men's room.

I sauntered up to my favorite urinal, unzipped my pants, reached inside....and.....reached inside....reached around some more.....felt this way and that....before I realized with a faint sense of horror that I had no fly!

It was only faint at this point, because this is by no means the first time I've been in this predicament. I chuckled, and reached around the back, expecting to have made that mistake I'm sure we all have made before, only to find that there was no hole in the back either. It's worth noting that as I was performing this action, one of my coworkers entered the lavatory, and seeing my hand inside the back of my pants, and the pulsing, throbbing motion my pants were making back there as I dug furiously for the hole I was so sure was there, stopped wide-eyed and gawked. He's the nervous type, though he did manage a faint, "Good morning".

I was getting frantic, there was no fly to be found! I was going to be forced to do my business in the manner of all men under five! The "pants around the ankles method" of upright urination. I'll spare you the details (though I don't know why, since we've come this far together), but I did manage to finish my business there and went back to my desk.

I was sweating now -- there was something very wrong. Underpants have flys. It is a factorum, a theorem, not something to be messed with. These were definitely men's underpants, but there was definitely no fly. Consequent trips to the restroom only compounded my discovery. Someone, somewhere, had in fact, created underpants with no fly. I pondered if this was the true meaning of "undershorts", since I have some shorts without a fly. I don't, however, have many pants lacking a fly. Hence,  perhaps "underpants" have a fly, and "undershorts" do not. How have I made it this far in life without this knowledge?

What to doo?

My wife thinks we should return them, but I refuse. I will not incur the bad karma that returning worn underpants would unleash on my person. Nor will I wear them, or discard them (they're perfectly fine otherwise).